I had started avoiding conversations with some people. It is that bad that I don’t pick up the phone. Everybody here is simply obsessed with marriage. Until I got drafted to the drive time show at work, then I started to understand the depths of this obsession.
Recently, we had an edition on our radio show with Chaz B titled “to what extent have you gone to get a man to put a ring on your finger” and believe me we were barraged with all sorts.
From women that buy an interesting kind of white powder from white garment churches and are instructed to smear it between their thighs, to tying up photographs and throwing it into the river. How can I forget the “kobnomi”.
Every seasoned professional in the world of haunting men for marriage at some point or another should have washed their private parts and used the fluids as stock to prepare a meal for consumption. This process is quite pedestrian in the grand scheme of things.
There were stories of breaking eggs, drinking eggs and eating eggs. The most exciting though was a lady that called, saying she had three men after her and she needed to know which of the men would be best suited as a husband. So of course she had been to a church for her first consultation which she paid for but she is still confused and wants to go for the second consultation. When we asked her why didn’t she just pray and wait, her voice became a couple of decibels higher as she informed us that she wasn’t willing to wait till she turned thirty, plus she was under a lot of pressure and we wouldn’t understand.
There was a time when people indulged in voodoo for far complex things, like trying to kill someone, or just cursing a rivals family and unborn offspring. Now it seems for anyone in need, there is a an Alpha, Babalawo, or prophet on speed dial. If you have a friend, she probably has a couple of complementary cards to distribute.
The need to be married has become a cause to declare “a state of emergency”.
It isn’t like I don’t understand the pressure. I have entered the second half of my twenties and I am very aware that in Lagos the ratio is now ten girls to one boy. But no matter what, there still has to be other things in life to embrace, enjoy and be besotted with. On my birthdays, my mother would normally call at midnight praying for me. This time around, she called not praying but stating “Unwana, success is already guaranteed for you. You have to find a man and manage, you can’t leave it too long. It is time”. Of course I listen to my mother’s rant and informed her that I have heard everything has said, knowing that she will be attending the Sacred Heart Of Jesus fellowship on a Wednesday praying fervently that someone will propose to me by December 31st.
Most of my male friends are completely terrified of women. They constantly whine that it seems like you can’t just meet a girl anymore, have a normal conversation and be friends without being accused of giving the wrong impression or being bullied into a relationship. I remember once, a friend and I were having a chin wag as to whether or not we needed to elevate from foundation to mineral powder, or up the ante on our high heels to obtain our pass into the coupling world. Our male friend who was gleefully enjoying his pounded yam and Efo Riro dropped his fork and with furry yelled “you women spend far too much of your lives talking and worrying about relationships, is it the end of the world, don’t you have anything else to do or talk about, na wa oo”. Though we burst out laughing as a result of his spontaneous combustion, he was telling the truth.
At work, I keep whining about the fact that I need a car, so that my okada hopping can come to an end.(in my head I pretend I’m on a Kawasaki Ninja) Rather than pray for me to get one or just damn donate to the car fund, they all start to pray for me to find a husband. It’s the same way we interviewed a lady with sickle cell who was made redundant by the company she worked for. Though she did mention that most of the guys she dated vanished once they found out about her sickle cell status, she got more prophesies about finding her permanent partner than actually getting a new job.
I’m more of an organic person and as clichéd as it sounds not all relationships are supposed to end in marriage. You meet people, if there is a spark and you are both on the same wave length, share similar values, interest and enjoy being around each other then you go for it. If it works out, fantastic. If it doesn’t, hopefully you can learn something from the relationship or perhaps salvage a friendship if necessary. Maybe you get to discover something new about yourself which is always a plus.
Life as an experience and journey has so much to offer if you allow yourself.
But I do accept that “to each his own”, so if white powder, eggs and vaginal juice cooking stock works for you, please do go ahead if you may. It just seems like an awful lot of work for things you have little to no control over.
Everyone I know wants to get married! To stand on the altar, in front of family and friends, confess their undying love for their partner and live happily ever after! Now that’s the stuff dreams are made off!
others have already said it:
1. it could be that our parents (esp women) had less options and so had to stay in bad marriages.
2. society is more accepting of divorce these days.
2. our parents had more fortitude.
3. our society teaches men to think they are kings and can do whatever foolishness thy feel like.
4. women of today won’t stand for said foolishness – alla that and more
on the topic of love, i have often wondered at what we are thought: there are three types of love – agape (of God), filio (family+friends), eros (lover)… i wonder at eros. because more often than not, we can’t tell the difference between lust and love. there’s a surprisingly fine line between the two.
… to the person who said marriages don’t work because both parties don’t go into it for love. i agree with you and i disagree with you. i agree with you because “love covereth a multitude of sins” and if both people love each other, they would overlook most things for which others would have headed straight for the exit. but i disagree with you because like lady jaye said, sometimes some things have to be placed above love (or so-called love, anyway, when you do figure out what it is) e.g. compatibility, friendship, trust, etc… AND THEN, over time, there is that great quality of love that can blossom between you two. love can grow. love DOES grow. so there are instances where people go into marriages without loving each other, just cos it seems like the sensible thing to do at the time. but as the years pass, they grow to depend totally on and love each other.
… finally, @ topic, there are many sides to this coin. but i really feel one of the greatest contributors to the demise of marriages is going into it for the wrong reasons. mix that up with the pressures created on young women to get married, and well you have quite the disaster. unfortunately, many women, once they see those years adding up, start to lower their standards (and men too, i guess… but this particular issue i’s more a problem with the women than with the men). remember all those standards you set those years ago of attributes of your husband? don’t give up on ever finding him. and in this, i am referring more to character traits than itsy-bitsy details of physical appearance, eg you want your prince charming to be tall dark and handsome… but if your prince charming happens to be packaged in a not-so- tall dark and handsome package, but has every other trait you seek, you best go for it. but what im saying is, those character traits that you desire in your mate, please don’t ompromise on them d’you to any external pressures. you, and only you, would have to deal with the consequences of your actions afterwards, and not those pressuring you to get married.
1. Quite a number of women are not patient.
2. Some men also think they can do any thing and get away with it.
3. Could be spiritual.
4. Marrying for the wrong reasons.
5. Feminisim
And many more reasons…
We really need to go back to understanding what true love is, it may sound simple but to truly love someone is probably the hardest thing to do because you can’t control what you get in return. It takes a life time of patience and understanding, the question is, are we courageous enough to stick to our decisions despite the odds? Some situations are really bad, men beating their pregnant wives and women cheating on their husbands, it really is tough. This is why it is important to find a God fearing partner, who has some standards that you are aware of and is okay by you cause some “God fearing” men definitely think it’s okay to beat their wives so I mean, God – fearing is not the be all and end all, you still have to make sure your are on the same page with values and beliefs and principles. May we all with time and experiences (ours and others) learn the wisdom and patience it takes to really LIVE a fulfilled life.
1. Only people that excel in class are those who want to and study hard, which means sacrificing watching tales by moonlight for lessons pre-exam. Same concept applies to marriages. Only those who are willing to stay in come out tops.
2. Our parents went through similar but without the internet age where diff technology has been made available to materialise our insecurities and thereby leading to destruction. Also, the Naira was stronger than the pound and no major need for oppression, destructive jealousy and extreme materialism leading to promiscuity………..
There is no point over-flogging this issue,all the earlier commentators have said it all but like Rick Ross said in Free mason track, ” I won’t fail but a lot of men will” God help me.Amen.
And sad to say, the fault is entirely that of the men. the very same mistake Adam made in the garden of Eden, many men are still making up till today. And until a man hands over his life fully to God, he will only behave like his forefather Adam, like father like son. Men are chosen by God to be the Head of the home. Just like Adam was told to do in the Garden of Eden, men are to tend, nurture and keep their homes. But Adam failed, and most men are failing today. Unfortunately, there is no traditional or cultural framework in place that will teach men their righful roles, expect perhaps in the church. I say perhaps because that institution too is failing where marriage is concerned. The ultimate is that, a wise man is he that nurtures his wife and home by humbling himself and having a direct relationship with God. That is the only way he too can earn the love and respect of a Good Solid Woman (i.e educated, God fearing, financially secure, sexy- totally whole) . When a man treats his woman like the Queen that she really is, then he should just wait and watch how his own Kingship with blossom naturally. May God help the men of today, because it is as they are laying their beds, that they are laying on it. When men complain about women, they are only reacting to the Monsters thay have helped to create. Its mostly a direct case of remove the log in your own eye before removing the speck in the eye of another. God is a wise God. the complete love a man expresses to his wife, is what enables her to naturally submit to him. But todays Guys want submission first. That cant happen in most cases because God did not plan it that way. Everyone needs a complete change of attitude. Then and only then will peace reign in many homes.
I won’t pretend to know what kills marriages nowadays…to me, that should be a case-by-case study. what i know is this…if you wanna find true love, you have to be ready to have trust someone, and show them love without calculating. as a friend told me…’i've been hurt many times, but i’m not giving up on love…after all, if I stop loving, how will I recognise my soulmate’?
My point is, if we stop calculating and start loving, maybe we will open our hearts to feel true love, and our eyes to recognise liars and cheats…
2. Let everyone be faithful and if it is difficult to be, tell your spouse to sit up.
3. As a married woman, let the husband and kids come first. If you can’t cope, have only two kids. There can’t be two captains in a ship ever. The woman can always go full time into her career at a more suitable time.
4. Let Africans (especially mother-in-laws) accept that all kids are equally special, boy or girl and that adoption is wonderful.And men it is not unmanly to cook for your own tummy and the kids’ own when the wife is tired. If you want a freak in bed you have to be willing to pay for external help to do regular cleaning (using househelp is child abuse) or make similar sacrifice. Nothing good come easy.
5. Everyone was born to work,to fulfill destiny including women. Nobody was born to be a slave forever. Lets change our mentality.
6. Let Africans know that its cool for a woman to be rich without necessarily being a wife or a prostitute.
7. .. I am tired *grin